To My Daughters

To My Daughters,

Sometimes you won't need advice, but just someone who will listen. Someone who might not understand the situation, but who will understand you and you will find comfort in knowing that no matter what, someone loves you. I hope that this someone is me (or dad) and that we can keep that relationship forever. So, as I am sitting here and thinking about my mark on the world, I realize that my mark on this world will be you and the things that I have taught you and I hope to whatever higher power is out there, that whatever it is you learned from me is some or all of what follows:

1. Life is unfair. That doesn't mean you get to give up. That doesn't mean that it isn't fair sometimes too. I hope that you learn to take the unfairness and spin it into gold. Like someone smarter than me once said, "When one door closes, another one opens."

2. Love is tricky. Lust will dress up like love and sometimes it is so convincing that we are fooled into believing that it's the real thing. Real love is kind, helpful, reciprocal, unconditional. It's ok to be fooled every once in a while. It means that you are learning.

3. Make some mistakes. It's not ok to repeat the same mistakes. We are creatures who learn. (At least some of us.) If you aren't learning, then you aren't paying attention and that is no way to progress through life.

4. Enjoy the process. Your dad told me before we got married and when I was up to my eyeballs in planning to "enjoy the process." He was right. I wanted to remember the process as a happy one, not as a race to the finish and because of that sound advice, I look back fondly and smile.

5. Take pride in everything you do. Even the most menial task is an extension of you, so do it well.

6. Grammar is important. Language is ever changing but it never hurts to understand the proper mechanics of your language.

7. You are beautiful. You. As you are. There is only one Josie. There is only one Reese. I saw a viral video on Facebook not that long ago and the man in the video was spot on when he said, "You are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you." Society is cruel. People are mean and small and hide behind their insecurities and keyboards. They reach to pull down those who are soaring above them so that they can have company in the bog they wallow in. Stay above it, loves. You are amazing in your own right and they have none to take it from you.

8. Always build. Build your future, build your present, build yourself up. When you are up, reach down and build others up as well. Be a social justice crusader. When you see those who have fallen and others are stepping over them, stop and help them back up.

9. Read. Reading opens your very specific world and allows in the stories and experiences of others to teach you, inspire you, make you feel. Everyday I am reminded of all of the things about the world that I don't know and I chase after the knowledge because, as silly as it sounds, knowledge really is power.

10. Speak loud, walk tall and be proud of your ideas. Be proud of your heritage. Be proud of yourself and all that you have accomplished and all that you will. You really are special, and you deserve happiness and love.

I love you both more than anything in this world and I am so excited to see the world through your eyes. I am so excited to be more proud of you with each new adventure you embark on. I am so lucky to get to be your mom and I hope that I can teach you to love yourself first so that you can expand your heart to encompass those who deserve it.

Love,

Mom

"I don't feel I have to explain my art to you, Warren."

This quote popped into my head and made me reminisce about Empire Records. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's insane and I love it.

This is Warren. He's a shit.

 I love it for many reasons and none of them at this particular moment have anything to do with film, but maybe I will explore that a bit here...we'll see.

• I love it because it reminds me of my BFFs Robyn & Rick
• I love it because at the time, I could identify with at least one or most of the characters
• I love it because AJ is still cute
• I love it because in grade school me and my friend Jenny Roberg were obsessed with Grease 2 and Rex Manning is in Grease 2
• I love it because of this:

This is GOLD.

• I love it because every once in a while I will see an actor from this movie and it takes me right back
• I also love it because ole pucker face Renee Zellweger's character sucks in this movie and she sucks in real life...hmmm

Reasons I love Empire Records as a film (forgive me if this rambles, I have never really thought about it in an arty way):

• Who doesn't love a movie about a bunch of fucked up misfits who find community within their own group?
• The soundtrack is amazing and I still find myself singing some of the songs from it
• Ethan Embry is hilarious as Mark and the part with Gwar still makes me laugh - lovable stoners woot! (Also LOVE him in Can't Hardly Wait, maybe that will be my next post)
• It's simplicity is what makes it awesome - the whole movie pretty much takes place inside of Empire Records, it is their home, their hell and their sanctuary all in one. No matter how much they fuck up, they don't get fired and they are stronger as a group because of it
• Great ensamble story - writing ensambles is HARD. Like, really hard. I am trying to write one now and it takes a lot of work and you really have to know each character intimately to make it work.

I am sure there are many, many more reasons I could come up with, but I will have to watch it again and then bore you some more with my reasons. 

Ahh sweet reminiscing...

Chaos Theory

Man, today was chaotic. We tried a "no yelling" day with Jos, and I think it was successful. Well, at least I felt like less of a bad mom, I didn't lose my temper as easily as I normally do, and I didn't feel like my nerves were shot, so we will call it success(!).

Happy

Cheesy

Today was her very first indoor soccer game. She hated it. HA! Who knew my kid would hate being in a group sport? I thought for sure she would be out there kicking shins and chasing that giant green ball that strongly resembles a tennis ball on steroids. But alas, she noticed all her most favorite people there cheering her on and she decided that this game was bullshit and she was going to go play and be social. At one point, she was sitting on the bench next to a little boy and she was chatting it up like she knew him her entire life. Maybe I should have put her in debate? Do they have debate for 3 year olds?

At least she made a friend?

I sure love my little people, but man they can wear a girl out. I had this one beautifully blissful moment after the game, and after the ice cream bday celebration for my nephew, where Scott and the girls were in the car and I stood outside for a second, closed my eyes, took a really deep breath and reveled in the silence of the cold, February night air. Damn it felt good.

On the way home, the power was out from about 11800 s to 12600 s, redwood to 2700 west. It was very zombie-esque and then we watched the city boot up like it had to be restarted. Weird. These little weird things keep happening. I don't know if it is just because I am paying attention or if the universe is trying to tell me something.

I was ready to drive to Home Depot for supplies.

School is much more manageable now. I dropped my hard class and now I feel like I am not trying to cram something into every second of my day. My hair stopped falling out, and I actually feel more calm.

I made an Agent P as a bday card for the birthday boy. I forgot to take a pic, but it looked like this:

It was pretty RAD!!

VDay was awesome. Didn't get to have any zombie fun because our evenings pretty much consist of wrangling kids to sleep, jumping out of bed when they cry in the middle of the night, trying to sleep sitting up, trying not to cry ourselves when they won't go back to sleep and then getting the BEST sleep of our lives in that 10-15 minute window before the 1st alarm goes off for the morning. Yes you read correctly, 1st alarm. I cannot be trusted with one alarm and now it's getting to where I need 3. *SIGH* But, we gave each other the gift of sleep for Vday. Well that and some gorgeous flowers from him and some chocolate covered strawberries from me.

My beautiful Peruvian lilies. I picked a good husband ;)

Speaking of that all elusive sleep, I must depart before the fun begins all over again in about 3 hours. Night blogger land. 

I wish I could sleep like this

Reality

WTF...seriously

Ok. I am not proud to admit this, but I missed my first exam in one of my classes. It's an online class, I figured the fucking thing would be, you know, ONLINE. Well, it wasn't. I had to email my professor like a total loser asshole and beg for mercy. I work at a college! I make fun of idiots who do this!!!!! Karma? Maybe. Feels more like a sign that I am way in over my head and that I really can't have it all. That is probably they most depressing realization of my adult life. I have been sprinting for a month and  no I am starting to wonder what else have I missed?

I don't know why I always feel so lost. There is a delicate balance between being productive in your own grown-up life, being a wife and being a mom. Being divided up, do you ever really get to be "good" at any of them? *sigh* First world problems, but they are mine.

Another First World Problem: I cannot figure out how to start a paper I am to write. Ugh. I am supposed to be good at this!!!! I am so in my own head that I can't find my way out to do what I need to do. Maybe this is me shutting down. Could be. All I wanted to do was dance my way to L.A., fall ass first into some great luck and live the dream taking my sweet babies and my husband with me. Maybe that will still happen. Maybe I should stop trying to force it and let it come. It's in there somewhere, just got get it out.

Running just as fast as we can...

Ok, I really don't feel like the stupid song, but damn I am tired. School is really beating me up. So much in fact that I would be happy lighting my backpack on fire and simply walking away.
I need a fresh start, and I was hoping that school would do that for me. Um, wrong.
I think I was meant to live on an island, or to be a hippie because I don't do well with the whole "live by the clock, die by the clock" horseshit that I have been trying to survive in.

I know, I know, I did it to myself, but effing hell! I have been doing homework non-stop. NON-STOP. All work and no play...

What is a girl like me to do? All that pent up ambition and nowhere for it to go. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode and rain down. Sometimes I wish I just would.

I'm just tired.

Abstract

Today has been rough.  I have been reflecting on the past 2 weeks of my little existence and, damn, a lot has happened.  I started school, which is great, except when you are running on no sleep, abstract concepts, and going balls deep back into something you haven't done for a while.  This leads you to try not to cry on the train back to your car, and then to let it all go when you get into the car. (Well, almost.)  I know, I know.  Blogging to bitch is annoying and self-serving, but I feel a little like I am living the reoccurring dream I have of riding a really awesome roller coaster, but at the big drop something goes terribly wrong and I find myself holding onto the car with all of my might so that I don't fall out. This dream never really plays out to my demise, at least not that I can remember, but you get the idea.

So what's a girl to do? I like to revisit the familiar. Remake those promises, however diluted, to myself that I am NOT going to freak out.  And I am NOT going to get overwhelmed, even if that means that I completely ignore the panic I feel.  See?  Better already.

In other news, Reese is starting to try to roll over and try to crawl toward things.  She is grabbing at her toys and being verbal to Josie to let her know to back the eff off.  Haha it's great.  Josie will be moving up a class, which makes me sad, but happy that she will be challenged and stimulated.

Next Friday I start with my 3rd graders.  I am really excited for that.  I can't wait to meet them and learn their names and get to know their personalities.

Until I decide to rant again, PEACE!  :)