Stuck in the mud

I am so pissy today. I feel like such a lost little loser. I have no direction, I don't have anything that I can call mine that I am proud of career-wise. I don't have a career. I work part-time, I don't have time for anything and I am sleep deprived. Fuck My Life today. Seriously piss poor attitude. S I G H.

I need a vacation to clear my head, get me out of the state, and figure out what I am going to do with myself.

S O S

Writing, writing, block block block

I am writing a screenplay in a genre that I don't usually like or lean to. It's a sci-fi and I love my concept, but my execution SUCKS! I can write a lead in and it works wonderfully, but then when it comes to expansion, I am stuck. I want it to be great, but I want it to be great now, and if anyone knows my adopted writing philosophy from Anne Lamott, it's "Shitty First Drafts." This means that you just sit, and you write. You write whatever comes to mind and no matter how bad it is, you just keep pushing ahead until you get what you need out of you. Then you go over it with a fine toothed comb and you fix the things that don't work, and you rewrite the awkward passages and you restructure if that is what you need.

So why am I not taking my own advice? Good damn question!!! I had a revelation the other day. I was in the car and I was driving to who knows where and it hit me: I am done with school right now. I was taking classes, feeling my way in the dark because I was lost. I didn't know what to do and I thought that if I went back to school, it would be this gleaming beautiful beacon that would lead me to my true destiny. Did that happen? Um no. What did happen, you ask? Well, I read a lot of books, I learned that I think that technical writing is kinda fun, but not for me, that I loathe grammar, that I am okish at prose writing, but at the center of my being, I am a screenwriter and a writer therefore. So what does it all mean?! That I need to stop dicking around, wasting my time doing homework, and I need to write. And I mean NEED. This is something that is an outlet, and I was losing my grasp on good screenwriting.

So I am going to chase this dream down until I make it mine. Then the sky's the limit. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you will land in the stars.

Seriously? What the hell?

I just read an article from seattlepi.com about how the government has voted to continue to fund advertisements on NASCAR stock cars. While on the other hand, they are content with killing funding for Planned Parenthood. Are you fucking joking? What the hell is wrong with this world that we can justify advertising but we just can't justify a health facility that helps people who have to no money to get care where they need it the most? Guess what folks, just because you stop funding it, doesn't mean people are going to stop having sex, or using condoms, or getting birth control, or having abortions, or getting PAP SMEARS!! The only thing you are doing is making the treatment of STDs go down, the use and purchase of condoms/birth control by young people go down, therefore creating MORE teen mothers. Is that your ultimate goal? Really? Are you ok with young people resorting to using hangers for abortion because they couldn't afford to go anywhere or they were scared to go somewhere they might be recognized to get an abortion? That they just screw without a prophylactic? The only thing you are creating and endorsing is irresponsibility. Does Planned Parenthood prevent all of these things? Not necessarily, but it does give youth a sense of anonymity when trying to be responsible and making the right choice FOR THEM. You do not need to parent these people or any of us people into your moral corral. We can make our own choices and we don't need you to do that for us.

Another day...

I told myself today that I would be a productive girl and take studious notes from my nutrition book, but instead I find myself putting together a book club through goodreads.com. It is now 3:00 PM and I have pretty much accomplished nothing, but a book club! I guess that's something, right?

Josie scared me on Valentine's night. She was standing in the living room, Scott was there playing a video game, and I was in the kitchen mashing potatoes, when we hear this giant thud and then screaming. Scott scooped her up and I guess she fell straight back and hit her head. She was shaking and doing that scary little kid cry where they don't breath for what seems like minutes and I about lost it. Scott kept telling me to calm down, but my baby was not ok! We checked her whole body for bumps, her mouth for blood and her pupil dilation to make sure she didn't have a concussion. Everything checked out but the rest of the night she sat with me and wouldn't let me put her down.
This made me realize 2 things:

1- I need to not freak out when scary things happen to her
2- I need to make a better effort to spend fun playing times with my girl

She has such a funny little personality. And she is getting so many teeth and when she laughs, she shows all her teeth. God I love her more than anything. My little Peanut.